


Murder On Stage 17

by LilyK



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:53:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29143290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyK/pseuds/LilyK
Summary: Following a series of murders on a film studio lot, Starsky and Hutch go undercover as stuntmen.
Collections: Starsky & Hutch Original Series Transcripts





	Murder On Stage 17


    MURDER ON STAGE 17
    
    Season 2, Episode 24
    
    Original Airdate: March 19, 1977
    
    Written by: Benjamin Masselink
    Created by: William Blinn
    Directed by: Earl Bellamy
    
    Summary: Following a series of murders on a film studio lot, Starsky and Hutch go undercover as stuntmen. 
    
    Cast: 

David Soul ... Det. Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson

Paul Michael Glaser ... Det. Dave Starsky

Antonio Fargas ... Huggy Bear (credit only)

Bernie Hamilton ... Capt. Harold Dobey

Chuck McCann ... Wally Stone

Jeff Goldblum ... Harry Markham

Rory Calhoun ... Steve Hanson

Layne Britton ... 'Shotgun' Casey

Susan Cotton ... Julie West

Toni Lamond ... Ruth Willoughby

Sandy Herdt ... Charlotte Rogers

Read Morgan ... 'Blackie'
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Film Studio**
    
    
    MARKHAM: Okay, let's shoot this after lunch with the effects.
    
    STAGE MANAGER: All right, go to lunch for an hour, boys.
    
    HANSON: Come here. Come here. How are you, Friendly, old pup? Huh? How about some lunch?
    
    WEST: I'd love it.
    
    HANSON: All right, let's go. Come on.
    
    STONE: Hey. Water man. Where do you want me to put the water?
    
    HANSON: I don't know. It's not my department.
    
    WEST: Uh, I think the stand is over by the stage door. Those bottles must be terribly heavy.
    
    STONE: Heavy? That's not what does it. Tricky and slippery. It's like trying to juggle a fat, glass snake, if you know what I mean. Glass shatters. Here, look.
    
    HANSON: Come on, Julie.
    
    STONE: Got this- Movie star! You too big to talk to the rest of us?
    
    HANSON: Bill! 
    
    MARKHAM: Cut! Cut! Oh, my God. He's dead.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Dobey's Office**
    
    DOBEY: The coroner initially called it an accident, but Mr. Hanson thinks it was a murder, one in a series of five over the last several years which were made to look like an accident.
    
    HUTCH: That's a pretty strong accusation.
    
    HANSON: Well, I didn't intend to be timid about it. You see, if I'm right, I could be the next one in line to die.
    
    HUTCH: Well, then maybe you'd better back it up a little bit.
    
    HANSON: The man who was killed yesterday is an actor. His name is Phil Lubeck and he was my best friend. Now, I just found out that in the last three and a half years, there've been four fatal "accidents" at Monarch Studios. Now, no one ever bothered to connect them before. I've been in Europe for the last five, six years, so when I got back, I decided to call my pals. Years ago we formed a club. I know it's corny, but we, uh... we called it the Wolf Pack. Well, the Wolf Pack is down to just one member, and you're looking at him.
    
    STARSKY: What about your other four friends? How were they killed?
    
    HANSON: All accidents, or so it seems. Uh, one was a stunt, a fall from a building. 
    Another got hit by a car.
    
    HUTCH: I presume that the studio has shut down your production.
    
    HANSON: The studio had nothing to say about it. See, there's a lot of money nvested in this picture and most of it's mine, and I don't intend to let it all go down the drain.
    
    STARSKY: Even if it means your life?
    
    HANSON: Hm. If I lose this picture, I'm dead anyway.
    
    DOBEY: Which brings us to you two. Now, you're going undercover as stunt men on Mr. Hanson's picture.
    
    STARSKY: You mean we're gonna be actors?
    
    
    **Exterior - Day - Film Studio**
    
    CASEY: Stay here until I give you a holler.
    
    STARSKY: Got it.
    
    HUTCH: Starsky. Starsky.
    
    STARSKY: Hmm.
    
    HUTCH: That guy standing next to Steve Hanson, that is Markham. That's a director.
    
    STARSKY: Forget Markham. Who's that chick with him?
    
    HUTCH: Boy, it'll be good to watch him work. Huh? 
    
    STARSKY: Is that Kate Jackson?
    
    HUTCH: Who?
    
    STARSKY: Kate Jackson.
    
    HUTCH: Uh, I don't know. Starsky, do you know that Markham... Markham represents the subtlest kind of, uh... of symbolism. Like Bergman, you know?
    
    STARSKY: What? Ingrid Bergman?
    
    HUTCH: No, no, no.
    
    STARSKY: Is she here too?
    
    HUTCH: Ingmar Bergman. He's a Swedish director- Oh, forget it, will you? Let's go check in with Steve, huh?
    
    STARSKY: Okay.
    
    MARKHAM: Shotgun, we're ready for the stunt. Come on.
    
    CASEY: Hey, you two, Spaghetti and Meatballs, you're gonna do a stunt up there.
    
    HUTCH: Where?
    
    CASEY: Up there.
    
    STARSKY: Us?
    
    CASEY: Who do you think I mean?
    
    STARSKY: Hi. Hiya.
    
    COWBOY #1: Hey, are you the two new stunt guys that Shotgun sent up?
    
    STARSKY: Yeah.
    
    HUTCH: Whoa!
    
    COWBOY #1: Hey, watch that, will you! That's a break-away. That's a break-away, you dummy.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, sorry.
    
    COWBOY #1: Leave it alone.
    
    HUTCH: Sorry.
    
    COWBOY #1: Well, all right, now, you two whiz kids pay attention. I'll try to get you through this thing.
    
    HUTCH: Okay.
    
    COWBOY #1: We'll start with you.
    
    HUTCH: Me?
    
    COWBOY #1: You.
    
    HUTCH: Okay.
    
    COWBOY #1: Now, I'll throw a punch at you.
    
    HUTCH: Uh-huh.
    
    COWBOY #1: No, you don't look at him. You take the punch. You snap your head so that it looks like I hit you.
    
    STARSKY: Snap your head.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, yeah.
    
    STARSKY: So it looks like he hit you.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, I see. I got you.
    
    COWBOY #1: You got it?
    
    HUTCH: Let's take that one again. Right, let's go again.
    
    COWBOY #1: That's it. That's good. That's good.
    
    STARSKY: That was terrific. 
    
    HUTCH: Was it good?
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, looked like he hit you. Just like in the movies.
    
    HUTCH: Okay. All right, what's next?
    
    COWBOY #1: All right. Good, now we got that.
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    COWBOY #1: Now, you follow...
    
    HUTCH: Right.
    
    COWBOY #1: ...with a punch to my middle.
    
    HUTCH: Right.
    
    COWBOY #1: Go on.
    
    HUTCH: Okay.
    
    COWBOY #1: No, no, no, you got to make it look like something. Sell it. Bring it in there.
    
    STARSKY: All right?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    COWBOY #1: Okay, come on.
    
    HUTCH: Here we go.
    
    COWBOY #1: That's good. Good work.
    
    STARSKY: I meant to tell you about the belt buckle.
    
    COWBOY #1: Yeah.
    
    STARSKY: Spit on it. That's... I seen that in the movies once.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah?
    
    STARSKY: Spit on it.
    
    HUTCH: Okay. I'm...
    
    COWBOY #1: You all right?
    
    HUTCH: Ready, yeah. Good, good.
    
    COWBOY #1: Let's take you.
    
    STARSKY: Okay.
    
    COWBOY #1: Now, meanwhile, Chet will slam you into the wall...
    
    STARSKY: Slam me into the wall.
    
    COWBOY #1: ...and deliver a punch to your middle...
    
    STARSKY: Uh-huh.
    
    COWBOY #1: ...and one to your head...
    
    STARSKY: Uh-huh.
    
    COWBOY #1: ...and you'll come back with a punch to his middle...
    
    STARSKY: His middle.
    
    COWBOY #1: ...and one to his face.
    
    STARSKY: Let's...
    
    COWBOY #1: Try one. Try it. Go on over there.
    
    STARSKY: Hiya. Okay, now, uh, you... you, uh... you slam me into the wall, right?
    Okay.
    
    HUTCH: No, you got to sell it, right?
    
    COWBOY #1: That's right.
    
    HUTCH: Right, you got to bend over.
    
    STARSKY: Bend over? Oh. Oh, I got it. Okay, all right. So, try it again. You slam me into the wall. Oof. Huh?
    
    HUTCH: It's not bad. Yeah. You ready?
    
    COWBOY #1: Are you ready?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    COWBOY #1: Are you ready?
    
    STARSKY: Yes, sir.
    
    COWBOY #1: All right, we're ready!
    
    CASEY: Quiet on the set!
    
    HUTCH: We're gonna get ready.
    
    STARSKY: Uh, yeah, we're gonna get ready.
    
    COWBOY #1: Hey, Chet, let's give these wise guys some real action. Don't pull your punches on these jerks.
    
    CHAT: Okay, you got it.
    
    HUTCH: Starsk, this is really very interesting, you know? Remember the classic symbolism--
    
    COWBOY #1: All right, come on, you guys. Let's go, let's go. Come on!
    
    HUTCH: It's man against man. Ego against ego. Remember that.
    
    CCOWBOY #1: ome on! Let's go.
    
    STARSKY: Here we go. Here we go. Ready?
    
    CASEY: Quiet! Roll 'em!
    
    STAGE MANAGER: Okay. All right. Pull up the rig.
    
    MARKHAM: And action.
    
    (Fight ensues.)
    
    MARKHAM: Cut! Print it.
    
    WEST: Talk about realism.
    
    STARSKY: Oh. Hi, I'm Dave Starsky. This is Ken Hutchinson.
    
    HUTCH: Hutch... Hutchinson.
    
    WEST: I'm Julie West, script supervisor.
    
    STARSKY: Hi.
    
    HUTCH: Speaking of, uh, realism, we understand that you had a little bit of that around here yesterday.
    
    WEST: Oh, God, that was terrible. Poor Phil. His poor wife.
    
    STARSKY: Well, accidents do happen.
    
    WEST: That valise was supposed to just pop into smoke.
    
    HANSON: Hi, honey.
    
    HUTCH: Oh.
    
    STARSKY: Oh. 
    
    HANSON: No, it's not like that at all, boys. I raised this one like she was my own daughter. See, her Dad was a real good pal of mine. He was one of the Wolf Pack. You, uh... You want to take a walk with me? I made out that list.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, sure, sure.
    
    STARSKY: You got it.
    
    HANSON: Would you give this to the prop man for me? Thank you. 
    
    WEST: Sure. 
    
    HUTCH: See you later.
    
    STARSKY: Take care.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hanson's Lodgings**
    
    HANSON: Come on in. I'm not much for holding grudges, but I did make out a list, and if anyone didn't like the Wolf Pack, you might check it out. (on phone) Yeah? 
    
    STONE: Hey, remember that old joke, Steve? "Your dog is dead." Remember that? Huh, Steve? Isn't that funny? You laughing? You're the next dog to die, Steve. (end) 
    
    HANSON: Oh, no.
    
    
    **Exterior - Day - Hanson's Lodgings**
    
    HUTCH: Hey. Hey. Any other phone booths around here?
    
    STONE: Huh?
    
    HUTCH: Phone booths.
    
    STONE: If it was any closer, son, it'd have bit you.
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    STONE: I said if it was any closer, it'd have bit you.
    
    HUTCH: I already saw that one.
    
    STONE: Doing a western, huh? Hey, you got some down there, and there's one over there.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, thank you very much.
    
    STONE: Use the pay phone.
    
    HUTCH: Well, so much for that.
    
    STARSKY: He's got to be around here somewhere. He saw us go into the bungalow.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, I know that.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Hanson's Lodgings**
    
    HANSON: Why... Why would somebody hurt a dog? He's got to be crazy. Crazy. Oh. Here's the list.
    
    HUTCH: Sorry about your dog. Do you mind if we talk for a minute?
    
    HANSON: No, go right ahead.
    
    HUTCH: This list. This is the list of those people who might have held a grudge against the Wolf Pack?
    
    HANSON: Yeah, well, that's... that's all I could think of. The ones with Xs beside their names are dead. Oh, thank you. There's Phil Moxley, the director. Wally Stone.
    
    STARSKY: Wally Stone? I didn't know he was dead. I just saw him the other night on the late show on TV.
    
    HANSON: Well, he died in Mexico, I heard, just a couple of years after he got out of prison.
    
    HUTCH: We can have Dobey check out the other names.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah.
    
    HUTCH: Pete Alexy. Isn't he the famous art director?
    
    HANSON: That's right. 
    
    STARSKY: Why would Pete have a grudge against the Wolf Pack?
    
    HANSON: Because of his wife, Jane, but you can forget him. I checked on him personally, and he also died, two years ago in Europe.
    
    HUTCH: Jane Alexy. She was the woman who died at that famous Wolf Pack party, wasn't she?
    
    HANSON: That's right.
    
    HUTCH: And the reason that Wally Stone was sent to prison.
    
    HANSON: That's right.
    
    HUTCH: What happened at that party?
    
    HANSON: Well, there's nothing to tell, really. I mean, she was drunk. We all were drunk. Anyway, Wally took her into the bedroom and the next thing we knew, she was screaming, and then we heard her crash out through the window. Man, that was 10 stories down. Well, they couldn't prove that Wally pushed her, but that didn't seem to matter. His career was ruined and he never worked again. Ah, it was just a... It was a terrible, terrible tragedy all the way around.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. I guess it was. Look, we're gonna call the, uh... animal shelter. Take care of your dog.
    
    HANSON: Thank you.
    
    STARSKY: Take it easy, huh?
    
    HANSON: Oh, hey, hey, wait a minute. You know they, uh... they say a lot of ugly things about people in show business, and I want you to know that Wally was really
    a very sweet guy. Uh, I only saw him once after he got out of prison. He called me.
    He needed 20 bucks. 20 bucks. Well, I had him meet me in a restaurant. Just a few years before, the whole world loved him. I mean, he was America's funny man... but I... I guess the public just... just never forgave him. Anyway, when he left the restaurant, I saw a lady walk up to him, and you know what she did? She spit right in his face. 
    
    STARSKY: It's some business. 
    
    HUTCH: Talk to you later.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Stage 17 Set**
    
    HUTCH: Now.
    
    STARSKY: Boy, I don't know about you, but I am hungry. I didn't know actors worked this late. What time is it?
    
    HUTCH: About 9:00.
    
    STARSKY: 9:00?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. I spoke to Dobey. He still doesn't have any word on those busts.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, yeah?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    WEST: Hutch, Mr. Markham wants you.
    
    HUTCH: Me?
    
    WEST: Mm-hmm.
    
    HUTCH: See? I told you he was a good fella.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, well, find out what time we're eating.
    
    HUTCH: Sure. Yes, sir, Mr. Markham?
    
    MARKHAM: Hutchinson.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    MARKHAM: I think I can use you in a bit.
    
    HUTCH: A bit?
    
    MARKHAM: A bit. A line or two.
    
    HUTCH: A... line? F-For me?
    
    MARKHAM: If you don't want to do it, that's fine.
    
    HUTCH: Uh... s-sure.
    
    MARKHAM: Good. Yeah, as you may or may not know, we had a very unfortunate accident here yesterday, and, uh, we've had to rewrite the script a little bit, so here's your line. Check it out and let me know when you're ready. Yeah, you can just wait over there and check it out, and let me know as soon as you're ready, because we're
    ready to go.
    
    HUTCH: Yes, sir.
    
    WEST: Well? 
    
    STARSKY: What happened? 
    
    WEST: Don't you feel well? 
    
    STARSKY: What happened? Did he fire us?
    
    HUTCH: He gave me a line.
    
    WEST: Ah! Wonderful! 
    
    STARSKY: He gave you a line? You're gonna be an actor?
    
    HUTCH: Starsk, I don't think I can do it.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, hey, hey, hey. You said yourself, acting is nothing. It's like being
    a robot, cattle. Is this your line?
    
    HUTCH: Hmm?
    
    STARSKY: "Here comes McCoy now."
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    STARSKY: Is that your line? Hey.
    
    HUTCH: I have to say all that?
    
    WEST: Come on. We'll coach you. We'll give you your cue.
    
    HUTCH: Okay. 
    
    WEST: Okay, uh... Steve says, "Where's McCoy?" and you move across the saloon to the windows--
    
    HUTCH: W-wait, wait. Where's the windows?
    
    STARSKY: Right over there.
    
    HUTCH: Over there?
    
    WEST: There you look out, and you say it... now.
    
    HUTCH: Here, uh... What's the line?
    
    STARSKY: Here... comes...
    
    HUTCH: Comes... McCoy...
    
    STARSKY: ...now.
    
    HUTCH: ...now.
    
    STARSKY: I'll hold it.
    
    CASEY: Roll 'em. Speed. 
    
    MARKHAM: And action!
    
    HANSON: Where's McCoy?
    
    MARKHAM: Cut. Yeah, let's... let's try it again. Um... Hutch, just keep looking out the window.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
    
    MARKHAM: You have every reason to be nervous. Don't... Don't worry about it. Tell you what. This time... this time we'll just, uh... take it from here. Just your line. So, just stay here, and we'll just take it from your line.
    
    HUTCH: Okay.
    
    MARKHAM: Okay, let's go again, please. Hold it down.
    
    CASEY: Roll 'em. Speed.
    
    HUTCH: What's my line?
    
    STARSKY: "Here comes... McCoy now."
    
    MARKHAM: And... action.
    
    HANSON: Where's McCoy?
    
    HUTCH: Here-comes-McCoy-now!
    
    MARKHAM: Cut. That was a little fast, Hutchinson.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.
    
    MARKHAM: Let's go again. Right away, please. Let's go again. 
    
    STARSKY: You'll get it. You'll get it.
    
    CASEY: Roll 'em! Speed.
    
    MARKHAM: And... 
    
    STARSKY: It's okay.
    
    MARKHAM: ...action.
    
    HANSON: Where's McCoy?
    
    HUTCH: Here comes McCoy now.
    
    MARKHAM: Cut.
    
    STARSKY: I'm sorry. Uh... I was... I was... I was a bit nervous.
    
    MARKHAM: Yeah, we're gonna try this again tomorrow morning. Uh, that's it for tonight, everybody. Let's all go home and get some rest.
    
    STARSKY: Couldn't he have another
    
    CASEY: Wrap it up!
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Stone's Place**
    
    STONE: It's ridiculous, Steve, but the curtain's about to come down, you know. Oh, I know, perhaps maybe... a visit from the friendly studio guard.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Hanson's Lodgings**
    
    HANSON: Are you sure I can't offer you boys something?
    
    HUTCH: Nothing, thanks.
    
    STARSKY: No, thank you.
    
    HUTCH: I'm sorry I messed up that scene today.
    
    HANSON: Hey, we're one day closer to finishing the picture and I'm still alive. You boys are doing okay as far as I'm concerned.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, well, we'd feel a lot better if you wouldn't stay on the lot at night.
    
    HANSON: Until I finish this picture and turn it over to the studio, I can't afford
    to stay anywhere else. Besides, I got a guard outside. I'm not worried.
    
    HUTCH: Uh, we had a talk with the studio guard.
    
    HANSON: And?
    
    HUTCH: We're checking him out, but he claims that before that valise blew up that the set was deserted. Everybody went to lunch.
    
    STARSKY: You didn't see anybody else?
    
    HANSON: No. No. Oh, I... I saw the water man.
    
    STARSKY: Who?
    
    HANSON: Uh, the... Sierra Springs water man. He came in with a bottle. Obnoxious guy.
    
    STARSKY: That's funny.
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    STARSKY: Well, I saw a guy delivering water bottles today. Why would a guy deliver water bottles two days in a row?
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Dobey's Office**
    
    DOBEY: I want you both to know, I don't appreciate getting out of bed this time of night, and neither does the manager of the Sierra Springs Water Company. Starsky,
    you got your feet on my desk, you're sitting in my chair, and you're getting mustard all over those files there.
    
    STARSKY: I'm not eating anything with mustard, Captain.
    
    HUTCH: Me, neither.
    
    DOBEY: Oh. I guess it was that corned beef sandwich I had for lunch. 
    
    HUTCH: Sierra Springs Water, Captain.  
    
    DOBEY: The manager says today is their regular day. If there was a man there yesterday, he was in imposter. (on phone) Dobey. How many times did you call? Yeah, okay. (end) Patrolman O'Brian. He was left to guard the cottage at Hanson's. He's not responding to his radio calls.
    
    
    **Exterior - Night - Hanson's Lodgings**
    
    HANSON: Coming. Yes?
    
    STONE: Oh, begging your pardon, Mr. Hanson, but Miss Rogers, your leading lady, she saw your lights burning in here and she wanted to know if you'd like to stop in and have a nightcap with her. She told me to tell you that she had to step out for a few minutes but she'd be right back, so just go in and help yourself to all the refreshments.
    
    HANSON: Well, thank you.
    
    STONE: Thank you, sir.
    
    HANSON: Oh, uh, just a minute. Just a minute.
    
    STONE: Oh, no, sir.
    
    HANSON: Oh, come on.
    
    STONE: No, it's all part of the job, sir. Good night to you.
    
    HANSON: Good night.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Leading Lady's Trailer**
    
    HUTCH: Come on out of there!
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Hanson's Lodgings**
    
    HUTCH: That room was boarded up from the outside, wasn't it?
    
    STARSKY: Yep. And our man was chloroformed, presumably by the same guy who gave you the message to come here.
    
    HANSON: He came that close. That close. So, there really is a killer. I mean, those weren't just accidents.
    
    STARSKY: Well, we spoke to the water company. The man who delivered that bottle yesterday was a phony.
    
    HANSON: Oh, my God. Well, what about the guard tonight?
    
    STARSKY: What a kick in the head if they turn out to be the same person.
    
    HANSON: No, they... they were totally different. 
    
    HUTCH: Wait a second. Maybe the voice and the face were different. What about the man's height and weight?
    
    HANSON: Yeah. They were the same size. Is it an actor? Do you think it's some actor that's trying to kill off the Wolf Pack?
    
    HUTCH: Well, it wouldn't have been just some actor. Yesterday he was a water man, tonight he was a guard, and both times he spoke to you. Now, if we're thinking along these lines, this guy has got to be some kind of an expert with disguises and voice.
    
    HANSON: But that's incredible.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, but how else could he have done everything? I mean, not only on your picture, but the four killings as well. How else would he have gained access to the studio and not gone unnoticed?
    
    HANSON: I... I don't know.
    
    HUTCH: That list that you told us about, the grudge list against the Wolf Pack... there is one guy who fits that category, right?
    
    HANSON: I keep telling you, Wally Stone was killed in a car accident in Mexico.
    
    HUTCH: You're sure about that?
    
    HANSON: Well, at least, that's the story I heard. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Come to think of it, they never did recover the body.
    
    STARSKY: Did he have any relatives?
    
    HANSON: Yeah, he had a sister. She used to write some of his material.
    
    STARSKY: Do you remember her name?
    
    HANSON: Uh, Ruth. Um, Ruth Willoughby. That's it. That was her married name.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Stage 17 Set  
    **
    MARKHAM: Yeah, okay, remember, everybody. Remember. This is right after the fight in the barroom. Okay, places, please. Quiet on the set.
    
    CASEY: Roll 'em.
    
    MARKHAM: And action.
    
    ROGERS: Oh, Bret, I was afraid they'd killed you.
    
    HANSON: It would take more than that to keep me from coming home to you, honey.
    
    ROGERS: Bret, look out!
    
    MARKHAM: Cut. Good. Let's have the double. Starsky.
    
    STARSKY: Hmm?
    
    MARKHAM: Yeah, you. Get in there. Come on.
    
    STARSKY: Oh. Okay. Hey, you were terrific.
    
    HANSON: You eat 'em up, tiger. You're in this one and you're gonna love it.
    
    STARSKY: Okay. Hi, my name's Dave Starsky.
    
    MARKHAM: Come on, come on, get in there.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, yeah, okay.
    
    MARKHAM: Come on, come on, you can skip that. Now, come on. You've just kissed Charlotte.
    
    STARSKY: Uh-huh.
    
    CASEY: Roll 'em. Speed.
    
    MARKHAM: And action.
    
    ROGERS: Bret, look out!
    
    MARKHAM: Cut. Print it. Excellent. Very good. Very, very, good. Really nice. Very lovely. 
    
    HANSON: Well, thank you very much, Harry.
    
    MARKHAM: Thank you.
    
    HUTCH: Starsk? Starsk?
    
    STARSKY: Huh?
    
    HUTCH: Oh. Starsk, what are you doing down there?
    
    STARSKY: Nothing. I was just, uh...
    
    HUTCH: Hey, I got an address on Ruth Willoughby. She lives over on West 187th Street.
    
    STARSKY: That's wonderful.
    
    HUTCH: What's wonderful?
    
    STARSKY: Everything.
    
    HUTCH: Where are you going?
    
    STARSKY: I don't know.
    
    HUTCH: Well, let's go.
    
    STARSKY: Oh.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Willoughby's House**
    
    WILLOUGHBY: That was Wally at the peak of his career. Thank you. Lemon or sugar?
    
    STARSKY: Sugar, please. Sugar.
    
    WILLOUGHBY: Young man?
    
    HUTCH: Uh, sugar's fine, thank you.
    
    WILLOUGHBY: Please sit down.
    
    STARSKY: Thank you. Watch it... Ooh. Thank you.
    
    HUTCH: Uh, when Wally was released from prison, did he come to live with you?
    
    WILLOUGHBY: No.
    
    HUTCH: Thank you.
    
    WILLOUGHBY: He tried to get back in the business, but they wouldn't have him. He was good. I used to write some of his stuff. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that was why it was good.
    
    STARSKY: Well, what are you writing now?
    
    WILLOUGHBY: Oddly, I just wrote a skit for him. Oh, here it is. 
    
    HUTCH: Oh, sorry. 
    
    WILLOUGHBY: I don't know why. It just came out of my fingers. He's fun to write for. 
    
    STARSKY: Oh. 
    
    WILLOUGHBY: I write other stuff too, and send it in, and it gets sent back. Oh, dear.
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    WILLOUGHBY: Not all of it, though. Aphids.
    
    STARSKY: Uh... well, it's too bad that Wally's not alive.
    
    WILLOUGHBY: Wally? Wally's not dead.
    
    HUTCH: He's not?
    
    WILLOUGHBY: Old comedians don't die. Didn't you know that?
    
    STARSKY: Well, if he's not dead, where is he?
    
    WILLOUGHBY: You can see him.
    
    HUTCH: Where?
    
    WILLOUGHBY: Tonight or 2 a.m. tomorrow morning on the late, late, late, late show. So you see, Wally'll never die.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Stone's Place**
    
    STONE: Hello, my dear.
    
    
    **Exterior - Day - Stage 17 Lot**
    
    STONE: Oh, miss.
    
    WEST: Yes?
    
    STONE: Oh, dear.
    
    WEST: What can I do for you, Sister?
    
    STONE: I'm so sorry, my dear, but I seem to be lost. I was wondering, could you possibly do me the favor of... getting in this cart before I blow your head off? Bless you.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Stone's Place**
    
    WEST: Who are you? What do you want from me?
    
    STONE: See? She didn't even recognize you. The magic of makeup. Maybe I should give you some hints.
    
    WEST: Why are you doing this? Please?
    
    STONE: Animal, vegetable, or mineral?
    
    WEST: What?
    
    STONE: Animal, vegetable, or mineral? You're supposed to guess which one I am. Or maybe I'm a turtle.
    
    WEST: How did you know that?
    
    STONE: You recognize that dialogue? It's from one of your father's films. I knew your dad. We were good friends. In fact, I knew you too, when you were just about that high.
    
    WEST: You knew my dad?
    
    STONE: Knew your dad? My dear, I killed him. I played the professor in one of your father's films. The one that made him rich and famous.
    
    WEST: Professor Nutty Putty?
    
    STONE: Mm-hmm.
    
    WEST: But Wally Stone played...
    
    STONE: Hmm.
    
    WEST: But you can't... You're-
    
    STONE: Supposed to be dead? Hi. Water man.
    
    WEST: Oh, my God.
    
    STONE: And they said I'd never make a comeback.
    
    WEST: You killed them all.
    
    STONE: Mm-hmm. I killed Friendly too. He remembered me. He licked my face. I like dogs and I really liked him, but I had to kill him. I'll kill you, too, if you don't do exactly as I say.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Film Set**
    
    MARKHAM: (on phone) Okay. Thank you. (end) Uh, she left mimeo an hour ago. Somebody said she drove off with a nun.
    
    HUTCH: A what?
    
    MARKHAM: A nun.
    
    STARSKY: (on phone) Hello?
    
    WEST: Who is this?
    
    STARSKY: Dave Starsky.
    
    WEST: Oh, Steve, I'm glad I caught you. This is Julie.
    
    STARSKY: Julie, are you in trouble?
    
    WEST: Yes, I know I was supposed to be back with the changes, but I suddenly felt so sick.
    
    STARSKY: Does the water man have you?
    
    WEST: That's right. I'm lying down in your trailer. Steve, I was hoping you could come down as soon as you finish shooting. I've never been this ill before. I'm frightened.
    
    STARSKY: Julie, don't do anything. Don't cause any trouble.
    
    WEST: 30 minutes? That'll be fine. (end)
    
    STONE: That was just great. Thank you.
    
    STARSKY: Where exactly is your trailer?
    
    HANSON: Across from Stage 17.
    
    HUTCH: That means he's gonna have to walk right down Western Street to get to his trailer.
    
    STARSKY: Perfect target.
    
    HUTCH: We need a look-alike. 
    
    STARSKY: Give me your clothes.
    
    HANSON: What for?
    
    HUTCH: Bait. Somebody expects you at your trailer in 30 minutes.
    
    HANSON: Are you kidding? We don't look enough alike to fool a blind man.
    
    STARSKY: Lookit, I'm the best we've got.
    
    HANSON: No, you're not. I am.
    
    MARKHAM: Steve, you could get yourself killed.
    
    HANSON: Yes, but if this crazy thinks we're trying to trick him, I could get Julie killed. All right, so I've played a hero all my adult life. Maybe it's time I found out what it's really like.
    
    
    **Exterior - Day - Western Street**
    
    STARSKY: (on radio) You look perfect, Mr. Hanson. There ought to be a camera rolling on you. The classic walk-down. High Noon, man.
    
    HANSON: I'll tell you this. It's a whole different feeling when you're doing it for real. 
    
    HUTCH: I got a pretty good view of the entire area, and I don't see him.
    
    HANSON: I'm all right. I'm all right.
    
    HUTCH: He's on the roof at the end of the street.
    
    STARSKY: I got him.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Stone's Place**
    
    STONE: I'll shoot her! I'll shoot her!
    
    STARSKY: What good would that do?
    
    STONE: Don't you move. Don't move.
    
    HUTCH: So Steve was the last one, huh, Wally?
    
    STONE: I took the rap for him. They turned their backs on me.
    
    STARSKY: They didn't all turn their backs on you, Wally. Ruth Willoughby didn't.
    
    STONE: Ruth? My sister? What about my sister?
    
    HUTCH: Well, she wants you to move back in with her, Wally.
    
    STONE: What?
    
    STARSKY: She's working on some new routines for you.
    
    STONE: Really?
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. There's one, I think she ripped it off from one of your old pictures. Uh... I saw it the other night on television. Uh... 
    
    HUTCH: Honeymoon... 
    
    STARSKY: Honeymoon for Two.
    
    HUTCH: One.
    
    STARSKY: Two.
    
    HUTCH: One.
    
    STONE: He's right. Honeymoon for One.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    STONE: You saw that?
    
    STARSKY: Hey... I haven't missed any of your pictures. I don't care what anyone says. You're the funniest man I've ever seen.
    
    STONE: Really? Do you know that the, uh... critics said that that was about the best thing I've ever done? They... compared me to Chaplin. 
    
    STARSKY: Better. 
    
    STONE: Remember that scene where my mother-in-law pushes me into the plaster of Paris and everything and then everybody falls in on top of us and we all got locked in that position, in statues? Improvised. Every bit of it.
    
    STARSKY: I laughed so hard I almost cried. 
    
    STONE: All those gags in those days, they were all improvised. Every bit of them. We'd sit around, we'd come up with those things, and we'd sit and laugh. Those were very happy days. Sorry.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Screening Studio**
    
    CASEY: Great working with you again, Steve.
    
    HANSON: Oh, same here, Shotgun, and thank you so much.
    
    CASEY: Thank you.
    
    WEST: That was great, Steve.
    
    HANSON: Bless your heart.
    
    CREW MEMBER: Always a pleasure, Steve. You did a great job.
    
    HANSON: Sure. It's my pleasure. Vince, thanks for the sound.
    
    STARSKY: Well, no one congratulated us.
    
    HUTCH: They cut my line out. They just... cut my line. That's it.
    
    STARSKY: Well, I liked it. I liked it when you said: "Where's-McCoy-now."
    
    HUTCH: No, no, no, no, no, no. "Here comes McCoy now."
    
    STARSKY: Oh, okay.
    
    HUTCH: I mean, I told a lot of people about this.
    
    STARSKY: Well, I felt the picture needed it.
    
    HUTCH: Well, it was a nice bridge.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. I liked the picture, though, didn't you?
    
    HUTCH: Eh.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, no, our stunts were really good. I mean, I liked the part where you fell down those stairs.
    
    HUTCH: My mother probably told everybody back home about this thing. They could have left my line in. I'm gonna look like a fool. 
    
    STARSKY: I'd tell my mother that I did that line with so much feeling that the star of the picture insisted to the studio that they take it out of the picture.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah?
    
    STARSKY: Yeah.
    
    HUTCH: That's not a bad idea.
    
    STARSKY: Then you're gonna have to burn this, 'cause if you send this to your mother, she's gonna know you're a liar.
    
    END


End file.
